Proud to be her Granddaughter

I lost my last grandparent, Chella paati, last Friday (1936- 2nd Dec 2022), and it is difficult for me to say whether there is a painful vacuum in my heart, or if my heart is full of her. As my memories of her flood me, I have come to realize that my life would be a full one, if only I can live it with half the flair with which she lived hers.

She was an extraordinary woman, even by today's standards. And, even more so when she could be associated with a generation that was born almost a hundred years ago, in the pre-independence era of India. She and Jayaram thatha were a couple that one could only dream to emulate. Typical of that era, she was married at the age of 13. Soon after, she lost her father, and thatha brought-in her mother, younger brother and younger sister. Their family slowly grew, and at one point they were providing for their two mothers, her younger siblings, thatha's blind sister, and another of his sister's sons, in addition to seven children of their own! She held that family together with exceptional integrity, and conducted herself in such a way that every one who ever knew her held her in the highest esteem.

Barring the last few years, I cannot recall her ever being an idle woman. I fondly remember her walking briskly around the house attending to various chores, and not tolerating laziness from anyone in her eyesight. If I saw her sitting in the afternoons, it was still with a large book in which she religiously wrote her daily quota of sriramajayam. She was so rigid in her own ways of living, and had strong views on traditional practices, that one may find it difficult to imagine her to be equally progressive in her own way. Right from rationalizing and accepting "love-marriages" to her grandchildren's thoughts on life, she was full of surprises. I remember when one vacation, I was surprised to find a stray dog feely roaming inside and outside my grandmother's home (long after thatha's passing). My first thought was that paati must be extremely disturbed by this, considering her rigid "madi" beliefs, and then my cousin filled me in on the back-story. The dog was found outside their home writhing in pain with a broken leg. While my cousins and uncle took it to a vet, and brought it home, it was apparently paati who sat by it all night patting it and speaking to it soothingly. I realized her humanity was beyond everything else she stood by.

I remember so many animated conversations with her on a variety of topics ranging from cricket to politics, from movies to spirituality. I learnt from her, both about Kapil Dev and Kanchi Maha Periava. I remember how she, who seldom comes to her daughter's home, came to send me off to the US in 2008, with a 500 Rs note in my hand. I treasured it, knowing and believing as everyone else in our large family, that as long as we had money given by her, we would not be poor. To-date, I hold on to the money she gives me separately.

I remember how, when Narasimhan mama once asked me to go with my cousins to their grandparents home in Pudukkottai and I refused, paati suggested that we make it a fun outing, and she joined us and the travels took us all the way to Sussendram and Kanyakumari. When I finished my bachelors and I was getting ready to leave for the USA, I casually lamented to her that my parents do not take me anywhere, and how I wish I could see the great Brihadeeswara temple, atleast for the engineering marvel it is. She instantly made arrangements, and we were on our way the same afternoon. She, my cousin Balaji and me. She not only took me to Tanjore, but she also made a few phone calls to connect with people who could give me an insider's view of the temple. Much beyond my wildest expectations, I actually got to climb into the corridors in the gopuram, looking at the inside architecture, paintings and construction (Of course she did too). She was over 70 years old then! On our way back, I remember her stopping in the Kumbeshwarar temple, and pointing out the decorations on ambal, and the chariot architecture in Sarangapani temple.

She has faced unimaginable sorrows, and travails, but she never stopped living. I remember how tough her life was in the early 90s, with both thatha and Gowri chithi fighting their losing battles with cancer, how she still rallied after their departures, and how we still looked up to her as the pillar of the family, and she never let us believe otherwise. She had a gang of friends with whom she pilgrimaged around the country- Kashi to Kanyakumari, Dwaraka, Somnath to Ayodhya, Mathura and Puri. Her spirit was indefatigable. 

She never offered unsolicited advice (a habit of most elderly people), but when asked, her replies were always unambiguous and showed great clarity of thought. She could be stubborn and adamant, but she was also an epitome of kindness and affection. Every first day of vacation in Parrys corner was marked by my favorite kandanthipilli rasam, kathirika kootu and thirati paal. Her thirattipaal can never be matched by anyone in my lifetime. She continued making it for me until a few years back, when she could no longer stir the milk so continuously. Unfortunately, to my great remorse, I never got to taste the last time she made it for me. Apparently, she misunderstood that I was arriving in Chennai, instead of in Hyderabad when I travelled from the USA. She made my welcome dishes and was waiting for me at her gate. When I never showed, she learnt that I was landing in Hyderabad, and not Chennai. When I did go to visit her, however, she apologized that she did not have the strength to make it one more time.

 Paati @ IIT

Paati always had a calm and smiling face. Her japa mala and sriramajayam book are etched in my mind. I can not recall unkind words she has said of anyone to me, which showed great mental strength. Till the end, when we could all see how her health had deteriorated, she still never complained. I visited her, after her fall last month and when she needed stitches on her head, she never complained. The morning of her death, mama and manni called the ambulance sensing that she was unwell. When asked how she was feeling, she said she was perfectly alright. Her breathing slowed, and she passed away, uncomplaining. She has left a vacuum that can never be filled. I will never be blessed enough to be associated with another such extraordinary woman in my lifetime.

I will always miss you paati, but I hope you do not return for another janma. You have faced everything God threw at you without complaining, down to Mama's death, with your head held high. You suffered unimaginable pains, but you showed all of us the meaning of life. My head will remain bowed to you.

Life During a Pandemic

I learnt what a pandemic means only recently. We are six months into the Covid-19 pandemic, and things are only getting nastier every day. We have moved from this stage of intense fear, to intense drudgery and frustration, and now slowly accepting life as it is, and learning to live life a whole new way.

I never had illusions that this pandemic would end anytime before a year at the earliest, even when it started. That did not make it easier. The first few weeks, while filled with dread about the disease, did not dampen the spirits too much. I was working harder than I ever had..sweeping, mopping, dishes, BABY SITTING  a toddler who was just learning to assert her independence and opinions on everything, teaching, research, and then feeding all night. After a few weeks, this drudgery turned into a disease of the mind...there was no weekend, no break, no vacation in sight, no going to the beach, no watching a movie...heck, we are afraid even of the grocery stores! What is this fear..and what is this life? But, I knew deep down that nature is trying to heal, and teach us humans a lesson!

We have fallen irreversibly into an abyss of materialistic and unsustainable lifestyle. The covid has taught us that it is in-fact possible to stay home and not venture out, unless necessary (thereby reducing pollution, and frivolous expenses like shopping, and dining). It has been a lesson in minimalist living, and things that were an indispensable part of life six months ago are actually not at all essential. I have learnt to value people and, value their contribution in making my life simpler, whether it is the iron man, or the house maid. I like that people finally are forced to undertake small weddings, and avoid crowding sacred temples, which have become outward displays of extravagance and piety.

I have started learning to accept that we have to face life in the right spirit. While we cannot throw caution to the winds, one cannot live life by hiding indefinitely or avoiding the inevitable...what will be will be. It terrifies me that our child's caretaker is about to come back next week to us amidst a worsening pandemic, but it appears that we only have ourselves to blame. We have made choices in our lives that we have to live with, and face their consequences.

Is the pandemic about to take over my life, or am I going to be successful in learning to live with whatever blows the virus is about to throw on me? I pray that we get away easy. Will I be so lucky?

In India...In God's Own Land - Part IV (Ahobilam)

    It has been my mother's ten year long wish to visit this prodigious residence of Lord Lakshmi Narasimha. During my week long stay at Hyderabad with my parents, when the topic of Ahobilam came up in casual conversation, I looked at my mother, and said let's go day-after-tomorrow. Amma looked at me with both eagerness and apprehension. She has been told that she would not be able to do this on her leg (three surgeries on one leg in the recent years), and my father is also too old to do this. Nevertheless, we decided that it was now-or-never. Coincidentally, the day of our visit coincided with swati nakshatram (the birth star of Lord Narasimha) and Ekadasi.

    We boarded a train from Secunderabad to Kurnool at 730 AM. The train reached Kurnool at 1 PM. We hired a taxi to take us to Ahobilam (We paid 3000 Rs. that included the return journey. I strongly suspect we overpaid atleast 500 Rs.), and reached the temple town at 430 PM. This delay was mainly due to the difficulty in negotiating with taxi-cab rentals. The ideal way would have been to make the 400 km long journey from Hyderabad to Ahobilam by car, or take a bus from Hyderabad to Allagedda, and another one from Allagedda to cover the last 30 kms to Ahobilam. We are not a particularly bus-loving family, so we chose the more time-consuming way to travel. We also experienced a brief, and joyful delay due to a herd of cows heading back home along the road. Having been completely brought up in a city, I have never see so many cows (over 300) at one time, all calm and gentle.

    We stayed at the Malolan guest house, which is conveniently located adjacent to the Prahlada Varadha Narasmihaswamy temple. The manager, Mr. Badrinarayanan appears to make all the big decisions in the town related to where people stay, what they eat, and how much they pay autos/ jeeps to travel within the town. We also partook all of our meals at the Ahobila Mutt adjoining the guest house. The meals were very simple fare, but was extremely tasty, and felt like home food. The room that we stayed in also was very simple. Nothing extraordinary, but it was clean, and the window overlooked the gopuram of the Prahlada Varadha temple. So, we were quite satisfied with the stay. We paid Rs.800 for 28 hours of stay in the room. The meals are part of voluntary donation towards the annadanam scheme of the Ahobila Mutt. Most people in Ahobilam are conversant with both tamil and telugu.

    The main temples in Ahobilam all close by 5-530 PM, making us too late to visit any of the principal deities among the "Nava-Narasimha" temples. The Prahlada Varadha temple is, however, open until 830 PM. After quickly refreshing ourselves, we walked to have a glorious darshan of the Lord Narasimhaswamy and Amrithavalli. Here we found out that there would be a viswaroopa darshanam the following morning at 5 AM (on the day of swati nakshatra), followed by an abhisekham and tirumanjanam. We paid Rs. 500 to take part in this service (only two people are allowed per ticket), and returned to the guest house to retire early for the night.

    The next morning, we attended the viswaroopa darshanam as planned, and returned to the guest house by 7 AM. At that time, the breakfast (hot pongal and sambar) was served at the mutt, and we departed with an assigned guide by 8 AM. Only my father expressed a mild disappointment that we did not get chakkara pongal as prasadam after the abishekam. We took an auto to a parking point that is 250 steps below the Ahobila Narasimha temple. We started climbing this first flight of stairs at 840 AM. After a wonderful darshan of the Ugra Narasimha (the presider over Guru/Jupiter) who resides in a cave, we were called back by the temple sevaks who were bringing out a hot pot of prasadam. (Anyone's guess what it was? Steaming hot chakkara pongal). This brought a 1000 W smile to my father's face, and any apprehension he had until then about being able to make the upcoming strenuous climb vanished from his mind. The real climbing test only starts at this point.

    We began an arduous trek through the hills, through rivulets and boulders. While some people were pious and strong-hearted enough to do this barefoot, we wore shoes. I silently asked Adisesha to forgive my transgression. (The hills are believed to be the manifestation of Adisesha. Srisailam is supposed to be at his tail, Ahobilam at his stomach, and Tirumala at his hood.). I was thankful for the guide who hand-held my father and saved him from a couple of slips on the rocks from turning into anything disastrous. Three kms and several steps later, we found ourselves at the Jwala Narasimha temple. This is the location where Narasimha swamy held the demon Hiranyakashipu on his lap, and killed him with his claws. The temple has three idols of the God in an ugra (angry) form. The first one shows him breaking out of a pillar. The second shows him fighting with Hiranyakashipu, and the third shows him tearing out his stomach. The idol shows him holding the hands and legs of the asura on his lap with two of his hands, tearing him open with two other hands, wearing a garland of his entrails with two more hands, and holding his signature conch (sanghu), and the wheel (chakra) in his last two hands. This idol is the controller of Mars (or sevvai) among the navagrahas, and worshipping him is said to remove doshas (or imbalances) pertaining to that graha. A pond of fresh water adjacent to the temple  is known as rakta kunda, where Narasimha washed himself after slaying the demon Hiranyakashipu. Due to the eminence of Swati nakshatram, there was a larger crowd than usual at these temples, but nothing that a city person does not see on a festival day at a local neighborhood temple. We finished our darshan by 10 AM, and started heading downwards. 

    After descending from Jwala Narasimha, we started the ascent towards Malola Narasimha Swamy. Here, the God is in a calm posture, while embracing Goddess Lakshmi ("ma"). This deity controls Shukran or the planet Venus. We reached Malola at 11 AM, and it was smooth descending from this point on. On our way back, we also had the darshan of Varaha Narasimha temple, where he is in the form of Varaha (boar), with his snout embracing Bhoomi devi (Lakshmi). Here, he controls the Rahu graha.

Ugra Stambam

     We reached the parking lot by 1145 AM. From here, we hired another Auto to take us to Karanja Narasimha (Chandran/ Moon), Chatravata Narasimha (Ketu graha) and Yogananda Narasimha (controller of Sani/ Saturn) temples. At Karanja, He is believed to have given darshan to Anjaneya Swamy. Lord Hanuman didnot recognize Narasimha Swamy, until he gave a darshan with a bow and arrow, three eyes, and a serpent hood. The symbolism educates that he is no different from Rama or Shiva. At Chatravata, he is smiling, and seems to be enjoying some music. Lastly, at Yogananda, the God is in a yogic posture. This is where he taught Prahlada (his foremost devotee, and the son and heir to Hiranyakashipu) the science of Yoga. Having successfully visited seven of the "nava-Narasimha" temples in the morning, we returned to the Mutt at 1 PM.

    While climbing the hills in the morning, I constantly reassured my parents that only this part of the journey would be difficult, and it would be smooth sailing henceforth. All  further deities could be visited with vehicles taking us to the temple doorstep. How wrong I was! While it was true that the walking was minimal since the return from Varaha Narasimha temple, the afternoon was no less challenging! After a quick lunch, we hired a jeep, shared with three others (A total of eight people including the driver) to take us to Pavana Narasimha (presider over Mercury/ Budhan) and Bhargava Narasimha (Sun/ Suryan) temples. 

    This journey was in many ways more arduous than climbing the hills. Pavana Narasimha is located deep within a forest which has no roads to speak of. The jeeps are in a terrible condition (I imagine even a brand new jeep will only last three trips into the forest before reaching such a state), and the path into the forest is full of boulders, trees scratching the sides, and paths that tilt the jeep 60-70 degrees on each side with alarming frequency. As there were some old ladies in our group, my father and I made the mistake of taking the back seat in the jeep. The ride to the temple takes one and a half hours, with over an hour inside the forest. Every joint in my body was aching, with multiple hits to my head. I can't even imagine what my poor father went through. I was much more vocal with my complaining. The forest department check-post midway through the forest does not allow visitors after 330 PM. After our darshan here, and expiating sins of all our prior janmams, we were ready to head back out of the forest. It was on our return journey, that my father's seat in the jeep suddenly broke. As there were no handles to hold on to in that treacherous road, he was holding on tightly to the bottom of the seat. This resulted in him injuring his finger. We arrested the profuse bleeding temporarily with some cloth, but it did not look good. There was no doctor between the forest and Ahobilam, without passing through the Bhargava temple as well. We visited the last of the nine temples, and headed back to Ahobilam and a doctor, who gave proper care to his finger. The cut was deep enough to expose his veins. The jeep driver completely absolved himself of any moral responsibility. The lesson here is to completely avoid the back seat in this jeep, and carry a first-aid kit. Sit in the middle or in the front if you must. I sat in the middle seat for a while on our return, and there is no doubt that the journey was infinitely more tolerable. I should add: infinitely more safe.

    After a successful completion of darshan of the nine deities on the day of Swati nakshatram, we took a bus to Allagedda from Ahobilam at 815 PM. We reached Allagedda at 9 PM, and boarded a volvo bus to Hyderabad at 11 PM. We reached Hyderabad at 5 AM the next morning with no further incidents.

    The difficulty in accessing majority of these temples has kept the number of visitors at a manageable level. It is because of this, the nature around this place is also well-preserved, and offers a serene and divine setting to this wonderful place of pilgrimage. Despite our minor mishap at Pavana, I hope that they do not develop the roads too much, which will only destroy the forests completely.

   

Time to Stand and Stare

I was trying to work in my office this evening when I decided to take a walk in the campus. I tried to clear all the million thoughts in my head, and focus only on the trees, grass, and flowers. I was caressing the flowers as I walked by them, and feeling the dew on the leaves as I walked by. The experience was immensely uplifting and relaxing, to say the least, and I have decided to do this more often.While walking I was reminded of this poem by William Henry Davies (obviously I was not completely free of thoughts !)..

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare. 

These are a few of My Favorite Things

The smell of summer’s first rain

The waft of wind across jasmine plants

The sound of a gushing waterfall

The dew of a mountainside

The stars in a desert sky

These are a few of my favorite things